Friday, January 19, 2007

Preparing to be Whole Again


"I'll have you whatever state you're in"


And that was the answer to my confusion wherein everything made sense and felt sorry for being stupid. I really cried because I was attuned to my insecurity that I didn't think about how he might have felt. I led to believe the past rather than the present. I doubted his feelings towards me and thought that the past is stronger than our present.


..All because I was once like him. He was my past, and although how many times I told myself that it was over and I should move on, he would always have a special place in my heart. And I felt incomplete even though I entered new relationships because I would still hope that somewhere inside him, he might be feeling the same way, and loving me the way I did.


Thank God it all led to.. "love mo lang talaga ko". He understood and were okay. The End. And a beginning of a yet more wonderful things.

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If I could only understand myself at that time, it would only mean one thing: INSECURITY. I wasn't insecure because she has a feature of such or was she living a nice life. I was provoked to hate her because I relentlessly giving myself reasons how he loved her so much. That I wasn't thinking ahead that past relationships could also be forgotten.

But despite all this, how could past relationships be really forgotten?


Maybe I was shallow to think that relationships can be jilted by another relationship. Or because I always think that if there would be willing to be someone new, or love someone, old ones might be covered. But I'm not saying that I didn't love the other people I've had relationships with, its just that somewhere, you know you always have this place in your heart where that particular and special person lies. That no matter how hard you forget, memories will keep coming to you, whether it is a particular tree you used to hang out to, or a place you used to visit. That how much one could jiggle it out of your system, and even though you know it wouldn't be possible anymore, you just remember.


But the good thing about it, is that one day, when you find that someone who loves you, more than you could ever love yourself, a new hope for possible beginnings and could even discover that you could do so much better because maybe, this time, it is real. Maybe this one is bound for you. And maybe, this one is for keeps and what was worth waiting for.

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I love you so much Hon and I'm really sorry. And thanks for taking me in whatever state I'm in.

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