Sunday, April 30, 2006

kill me quick...

Many people say I could adjust anywhere.

Put me in a room full of kids and I could be one of them, or inside a place where opinionated people are in and I could talk for hours. That's how valuable I am. Because I know where I should stand.

But lately, I'm finding it hard to even recognize and adjust to myself. Seems like I'm in a different trance where I should be "miss nice" and not throw my imperfections to people. Seems like I'm kidding myself. And the worst part? I couldn't even find my voice in that crowd. It's stupid right? But really, it's breaking me every minute. Some friends are asking me plans about it, and definitely, I couldn't find an answer inside my head anymore. I'm letting imaginary heroes take care of it. Why? Because I don't wanna be the possessive, narrow-minded and nag that people wanted to think of. And that makes it more confusing. I used to have a plan on those things, or a counter-attack, but then voila, I can't find that reasoning anymore.

I'm not asking for eternity, some minutes would be fine, but I can't even form you in my head.

I need a break. I need to clear my mind or else I would continue suffering and that would cause me a crack in the head. I'm not so sure whether I am that insensitive or you're the one that's dense. I'm really not sure.

I'm not used to psy-wars. Malyn told me I'm not used to that because I still live in the perfect and peaceful world. Maybe I am still living in the warm and fuzzy environment. Or maybe because I let people lead me to it and I can never be ready for those situations. So what, I'm pampered. I am used to being treated as a princess, and used to getting things my way. I plan early, because I don't want to miss out on things. I love hard, and fall really hard, that's why I'm always hurt. I'm a little paranoid because I am traumatized by the drama that my past relationships has brought me. I am sensitive and a crybaby, because I cannot control my tears falling from my eyes and I let my emotions rule my head. Yeah, so what?

Problem with me is that I could forgive easily. With a message saying just a simple hi, my anger and disappointments would disappear just like that. Bottom line? I'm hurt but please, give me something to hold on to. That I'm not just hoping, that someday, all of these would be real, that I'm not the only one who feels warm and fuzzy, and that I would never be alone again.


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