Friday, October 30, 2009

Just okay.

I now hate the word "okay".

I want something better. I wanted to strive for something great. Okay is when you wake up from a nightmare and you've known that its just a dream. Okay is when you tripped over something and almost fell, but didn't. That's how I define okay.

Now this feeling, its not even close to good. I'm not sure where to stand right now. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling as if you're the second choice again. Its just okay. Were okay. I just don't know if we'd get close to nice. Or even great.

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Attended the BDJ Fair last Sunday. And it was definitely one of my up and down moments again. The tarot card reader insinuated that we'd never have the chance again. He said that I will be for someone who's ready to settle down, who is more mature and someone who will understand me. I told him that it possesses all his qualities. But then he said that all these will be based on my decision.

The question though, IS THE DECISION STILL WITH ME?

After the series of an Open Bar, I decided to make a call. I decided to do or die. I figured I could say everything under an influence of something. And maybe, I could get the answer I was longing for after the tarot card reader crushed my heart.

He then responded with "Check your Facebook Page, you will know my answer."

I couldn't wait to get home to open my lappie, and there it was, him saying the three words Ive been longing to see again. That something I used to read in my fone every single day after all the hurt started. I wanted to believe them. I nearly died going home to see it because I felt I was breaking all odds just to open his message.

But now, were just okay. Okay and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to lead again. Okay as if an endless cliff should just swallow me whole. Okay that I'm not sure what to feel, where to go and how to answer. I don't know where this should go. Everytime I give up, he just tries to pull me back. But after he pulls me back, I am left nowhere again.

And yes, I'm wasting a lot of sighs.. :(

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