Saturday, October 17, 2009

Beyond the Smiles

I feel like a yoyo. I feel as if Ive been spinned, held up and down. Every inch of my spine is acting as if Im in braces and I have to pin myself at a wall so I could stand again.

Like Ian Wyndham said, how could you love someone so much but still you cant find the answers to make her happy. That even though you tried giving up almost everything just to live your life again, it still isnt enough. Sometimes, I wonder what is.

I have always been so undecisive in how I'm gonna live my life. I have goals which I was getting into action, but fear has always made me stop doing anything. But now, fear is my bestfriend. I had to keep it close so I would learn how to fight. I had to befriend it so I could introduce my other friend, accepting the challenge.

People have asked me where I'm getting the strength to still fight. The thing is, I also surprised myself these past few weeks. I pounded depths I never though possible. I had to smile, convince people and especially myself that I will be okay. Not fine, because that would be so swell already. At least okay.

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My Facebook status says " I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I am thinking now how much this is true. It hurted to my very core. It hurted up to the point where I am taking a chance to be happy with someone else.

A friend of mine asked me reasons why I kept fighting even despite of it all. Its not about just foundation, nor history. The years might have added to the factor, but sometimes, its the good memories, the dreams you built together, the comfort that you felt and the love that you built so much in your heart that matter. Sometimes, all these reasons are enough for you to go on. In spite of the hurt and the rejection.

Maybe someday, everything will be better. Maybe...

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