Monday, December 10, 2007

I Jump, You Jump Remember?

When I was a kid, my Dad made me play at the animal statues near Luneta. There was this big Hippo where you could exit at its mouth. He then wanted me to go out of its mouth, just for the heck of it. Since I was only four that time, I was so scared that the Hippo would shut its mouth up and swallow me whole. My Dad was yelling that I should go out with its mouth, but I still hesitated that I went out of its back. I realized that even back then, I still don't know how to trust people.

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I have this friend in the office, and another colleague that experienced a difficulty recently. When he thought she was a friend, or she considers him as a friend, she said something that made my friend lose his trust on her. Now they are not on speaking terms and like myself, he has this problem of losing one's trust when someone breaks it even for the first time.

So laying all my cards, I couldn't regain trust that easily. No matter how many times you could prove it to me, I still couldn't get it right. I feel as if my feelings are the only one I could lean on to and getting hurt is the last option I wanted to get. But I want to learn. And hopefully, I'm wishing to get a beginning with no fears and a clean slate.

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Last weekend, I finally finished my Christmas shopping, Hon finally got his Starbucks Planner, I get to have my book, or rather books, met up an old friend and cried so hard it put me to sleep. What used to be the most perfect Christmas gift for me, which is love and peace, might be gone then and there. Because definitely, I'm not at peace, and I'm could not feel love right now. Maybe it'll be better tomorrow, well, that is if he dares to let his pride down and treat me as an equal and not a competition. Or maybe I'm scared that ex-bestfriend might be right. Though I truly believe that he is the one for me.

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One helluva Christmas isn't it? Hope it'll be a happy holiday. But still, that depends on what will happen next.

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