Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I Need...

I need to reboot and reformat.

Suddenly, every pressure is on me. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw stepped into my life where she feels that she is being punished or something in one of the Sex and the City's episode. I feel distressed and all, leaving all the blame with the people around me, most especially hon. I just keep on trying to argue with the most insignificant things almost all the time. I myself do not know where, when or how it happened. I just wanted it out of me. As remotely soon as possible.

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I need to write new pieces.

Feels like my writing skills are being deteriorated. I want to feel the way it used to be, sleeping late at night just to finish an article, or getting crazy over the fact that we haven't interviewed this particular person where we are nearing the deadline. It's mostly business writing at work. I am actually gagging over that fact right now. Not that I am complaining, but I am yearning to write about different people, going to different places, interviews, translating tape recordings and such. Maybe in two years or so, I would be able to do that. I don't want to teach. I made up my mind a long time ago for that. I don't want to go to law school either, there are good journalists (of course my UST friends) who are better lawyers to be, than myself. After all, I'm still young. And I don't feel like wasting my time in things that I wouldn't be able to pursue in the long run anyway.

But someday, I'd be a true-blue, working my ass off, maybe even award-winning journalist. I know in time, I would.

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I need to know my worth

Oooh, controversy perhaps? Nah, I'm just saying this to face my fears. I have been this overbearing b*tch for a long time. I didn't want to fail. If I knew someone better and I didn't like this person, I'd try to deject them. This time, I'd keep quiet. Everyone deserves a chance. But just don't expect me to be clapping my hands. That is so not me anymore.

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There. Somehow, I feel less crappy. I know there is something wrong with me, but I keep shrugging it off because I don't want to answer my questions just yet. I am happy with my life. But sometimes, I feel indifferent of the people around me. Or no one really cares sometimes.

..Maybe that's how it is supposed to be. Shallow isn't it?

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